A little side note: when I was making NORMAL, I originally wrote it for Olivia to be in it, so, when she said no, not once but twice…yeah I really have no pride when I want someone on my film’s side; I was left broken and I just didn’t know where to go from that point, the best time of my life did not want to come back, I mean, I thought I got to decide that we were going to make movies for the rest of our lives or at least for a while…controlling bastard..I couldn’t believe my dream woke up..long rant, short….all of it made me cry and no one could promise me that my film could feel better. SO, I didn’t want to make it anymore. But, I couldn’t quit…my mama wouldn’t let me, or better put, she has NO sympathy on the lazy and the dreaming, as she says..one monkey doesn’t stop the show, I believe..that’s a Southern colloquial meaning – you have to keep going..no matter what happens. So, I am honest and I am sure! That the comfort of a Mother’s love is all you need. But, well, that’s not to say, that it was easy from that point forward, because in actuality it just got a lot harder. So, isn’t it strange how the desires you want by your side can hold you in a cruel comfort despite how much they mean to you…I believe this is where your flesh dies and your spirit and the dream lives…if it wills.
For, now I was armed with nothing with to lose and everything to find.
So, fast forward to the next the best time of my life..where I’m destined to be, where the fear of my past rejection is trying to take my joy and breath away…perhaps like never before, I mean..when you don’t get what you really wanted, when you think you’ve lost, those thoughts keep running in your head, and they tend to hold you back from experiencing the full measure of someone’s else greatness.
But, I want you to know, just in case you don’t..that it is worth it. You are worth your dreams, you deserve to go far, keep your spirit & dream going. I just..think if I would have left NORMAL on the shelf, I would have been locked up to what ifs and to my dreams thinking the worst of me. I would have not been able to work with Jacob and that was something I was really excited about. I would have lost. So you really want in? Don’t be so sorry that you are so sad, because I know it is worth it, you really have to know your time is worth more than money could ever afford, than all the pretty girls in the world. God’s destiny for your life wants to take you by the hand and show you the world and how it ain’t that bad, so know that it IS worth it!
I’ve realized how much rejection can take out of one, it takes your illusion and burns it to the ground and can make you feel as if you are a wild animal born with broken bones, you just don’t know what to do. Unconsciously, the feelings of rejection can keep going. Like, you feel you are never sure what to do, as if one complement/joke can fuck everything. We never realize how much rejection puts on us, until we try again. It seems to be a gift because you can’t stay there all the years of your life, especially if you really expect to try again.
A beautiful Sofia Albam, made her bed in hell to carve this truth that makes me cry, “And it is important to let everyone down sometimes, so that you realize just how much they mean to you. And it is important to know that we will do great things together or apart. Though, I know it feels like we weren’t made for this world, like we should have never been born, but I am glad that we were born.”
She’s right, it’s true, so, go and tell everybody you hold in the highest of esteems, because they’ve all been changing fast, and I know you want to love them forever.
Feel better, becos being forgotten is constant, change is constant xx
Oh and check back for some exciting stuff happening this Spring, and thx for reading today
–> credit to squinch owl for the lyrics pinched in, best