I share myself in an effort to keep you by my side. O how I love you.

Tag: friends


Hi Everyone,

So it feels really good to type this and say hello to anyone who comes to read this. Hello! 

Well, first off, just thank you. I’ve been sadly displaced from gratitude in these recent moments, but thanks for the love, I appreciate it. 

I’ve been in non-posting mode, lots of ideas – less ambition. I can’t say it any better..than just posting shit and going crazy later. The movie project I’m working on is stuck on the script, maybe it don´t need a script? I don´t know.

But, we’ll shoot it soon..it’s about umm..well you’ll just have to see, cos I’m not so sure either. BUT, I will say of a few cemented details that are set in play.

It’s gonna be pretty or ugly. And, there’s a boy. He’s gonna learn things he should have learned early on while he slept.. basic stuff he has to do to be included into society. Kind of. It feels wrong, because he’d really like to keep moving, travel perhaps, make something out of his mind. But, he’s gotta do what every man has to do..I guess.

It really shakes me to portray children like this, because I’m always so sentimental. Though, I don’t think it’s so sentimental for children being not seen or heard. On the contrary, we store up a lot of very angry feelings. I think that the film is just all the angry feelings we get from ourselves and others…and maybe this film is just a fantasy..what makes it unusual is that it comes by nothing fantastical, just pure humanity. It’s not very rare, I have seen it. The animal instinct among people is distinct in households everywhere. People stress people a lot. You put pictures of ‘your’ people in front of you, and it provokes the strongest feelings..you know?..don’t wanna bring all that up, but can’t keep leaving it out..

We’ll talk soon xx April

Hope you’re well.

a flower in bloom

What’s the lineage between obsession and desire? Between consumption and preservation?

Summer was the test. 

I like that scripting stage of the script because you really have like no pictures. So, you kind of have nothing to judge on, you just have to go on your imagination and you have to make up these things in the process of summoning up reality, you have to be able to source these emotions into feelings, into making something real and true. And, I think that lack of imagination is a terrible disease and maybe I should start writing better stories. I feel I’m self-confident enough to do this while I’m still young, and wanting to let myself go. We had a lot of fun, and it wasn’t difficult because I didn’t trust myself. We love the music in the movies, our memories are still protected and shared. So, yeah its cool

I love being able to make a film because it is based on what people see you can do and not on who you are. You don’t have to have an advantage when you go into the room, because it’s based on what you can do as a person, what you can do with your talents, what you can do as ability. And, it is so great to be in an atmosphere where people are generally interested in what you do as a person. It feels like the edge of prejudice is bounced off the wall and up to the moon, like it’s out of this world. It’s a high, like no other. And, it just feel so great. I think that’s why it is so hard to leave the films, and why I am so depressed after I finish one or for that sake, leave anything that holds a true emotional intensity with me, because when its over, its over. You don’t have those talks with those people anymore or at least not on the same level as you did when you both were going for the same. You have to start over and it can be horrible, if you are down or when you really connected with the people and then you realize its time for them to go. So, now I’m feeling even more excited to try and make every moment the best and try to enjoy everybody that I’m around because it’s so short and so fleeting and you know…what’s the word, starts with an E, i don’t know but it’s something, that, ephemeral

i feel blessed to be able to sit and remember that feeling on a day like today when the cameras are not recording and the people are far away

all the best, April

* p.s. nat n alex’s new CD, black sheep, so so amazing, check it out


why am i alone, when we’re together

i can’t treat people like that. i’ve been treated like that. people are not robots, they are not going to respond they way i want them to, when i want them to. they are not always going to do the things i want them to do. i can’t control people, i try, but each time i end up in a place where i cannot stay. if i leave now, i’ll just end up here again, that’s the way it is. i’ll go around this same mountain once more. i’ll do what i never wanted to do in the first place, because everything is not going my way. i’ll hurt people in the process, love them and leave them. i’ll do it once more. and i want to stop, because it’s wrong. it’s selfish. it’s hurtful. it’s ugly. it’s me. i’ve been through enough people to realize this is not who i want to be. things have to change in a new way. i love you and i want it to stay like that. not because you give me what i want. not because you call me when i want to talk. not because you tell me the nice things that make me feel good about myself. not because of the way you make me feel. but because you love me for who i am. the arrogant, insecure, talented, weird, self-absorbed film geek who wants it all. it’s nice, that you don’t give a fuck about any of the above. so, why do i feel like i deserve more? is it arrogance lacking in depth? is it something i was told the a long time ago? is it me? is it something i can change? is it the resentment and polished motives that i saved up? i’m not sure, but sometimes i just want to not want it all. i’ll do my best to stand by your side and keep my ego from falling apart. you are awesome, and i ain’t wasting no more time. i read a fortune cookie wrapper that said, “your persistence and endurance will be rewarded”, so it may take a 1000 years, but i think i can do it.

thanks for listening.

– april johnson


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