i don’t hide it now

by aprilmakesmovies

i’m quite obsessive, and i am not so sure if this is necessarily productive of my time, but i enjoy the places i build in my mind, the ones where I don’t feel alone, to disappear from myself and from what i’ve known. i’ve always been quite keen to put myself in situations where i should have never wanted to be. i don’t know what i’m saying, i’m just trying to sound intelligent. can’t you tell? there’s something beautiful about eccentricity that evolves into the confidence, it’s a major element of the most interesting people. the ones i wish to understand me, i’ve been fortunate to meet one or two like this. not many more. i’m worried about losing those, and mama knows it.

there’s a certain fear driving my words, my thoughts, something saying, no, don’t say that, maybe that’s a need to please people, which is strange, because, in the terrestrial realm that is exactly what i’m trying to avoid. it is too much of what i feel, and not enough of what i believe, a weird science to figuring out who you are not. necessarily choosing to abandon a collection of quotes and songs, and maybe a reaction to someone else’s idea of a certain color or quote. too difficult to figure out now. this is my first work as an actress, isn’t well known and seems very shallow.

to hold up everything i ever wanted to say and everything i wanted to mean, to waste a measure of life with worry until arrogance and ego appears that everyone is interested in what i have to say. it is left up to them to question whether or not they want to be entertained by me. contradiction is what i want to avoid. can’t avoid everything. balance to build, and a choice that is simply, yes or no. like or not. talk or don’t. the in-between leaves me in an unstable state. double-minded in all my ways. know i’m coming to realize not much wisdom departs from a wavering soul. sensitive and insecure. sensitive, no, she’s a pain in the neck. too much of a genius to realize she’s an idiot. goes for a hug. bonsoir papa. don’t give me that nonsense. i sat down and did what i was told when i was your age. know when to stop, you’re father will never get used to you, you’re too much alike. i’m nothing like him. kiss on the cheek. ahh, my love, you’ll never change.

so i see myself smiling and being hugged by people i adore. ordering my steps to follow the path of the lovely eva green, by the snap of her eyes to mine, i see the world blowing me down. am i holding on too tightly to things i might never see. coffee and tea. full bodied wines, and i play the piano and write a movie for you and for me. to re-center myself in the fantasy of a film. and i’ll enjoy this time with you and from me, like it’s not real. someone to make me feel like a little bird. a little sentimental now, eh? how old are you now? what’s it to you? it’s time for you to live and die to that fantasy. i’m not in such a hurry. actually you are.

nothing to eat right now. i drink a lot of water, unfortunately it has come to the point if i drink too much, i feel rather ill in the stomach, i suffer on occasions, especially when i’m bored. same thing, but there’s a limit. to fresh air and how many exams you can fail, before you’re called stupid. i don’t care that much. liar.

i won’t vote for anyone incompetent enough not to legalize marijuana.
is that all you care about? well, i shouldn’t talk about things i don’t know.

 > do you think you are in middle of darkness or light?
beginning to lean forward — sorry?
> which do you prefer to rain in on your life?
— umm..well too much of the sun will go on to destroy, so darkness is quite necessary, isn’t it? light for growth, and darkness to rest, i suppose.